Is There Anything I Can Do?
Everyone seems to say “Let me know if there’s anything I can do” when friends are going through a hard time. The problem with the question is how hard it is to answer. Imagine a caregiver who’s trying to get through one day at a time without a calamity being confronted by this question. What could she ask for? Dinner? Companionship for an evening? Help with errands or laundry?
Our culture reinforces self-sufficiency, and in fairness, we are occasionally rebuffed in our attempts to help. All kinds of psychological stumbling blocks get in the way of accepting a hand with things—pride, cynicism, fear of imposing or indebtedness, embarrassment. But when there's a clear need, it's worth the risk of stepping in, without waiting to be asked.
Here are some ways you might be able to help:
Do you have leftovers from dinner that will taste good reheated, like stroganoff or stew?Drop by a few servings in a disposable container. Have you grown fresh flowers or vegetables you could share? Wash and prepare the vegetables, so they’re ready for the pot or cook them yourself.
Is it the patient’s birthday, or the caregiver’s? Valentine’s Day? Take by a few brownies and some fresh ground coffee or gourmet bottled tea. Holidays can intensify a sense of loss and aloneness.
Is the walkway icy? A 50-pound bag of cracked corn purchased from the local livestock supply store may prevent an accident. Strewn on the ice, the sharp pieces will prevent slipping, and one bag can last for weeks. Birds will eat the corn as the ice melts.
Is the power out? Offer to lay a fire; take over hot soup at night or coffee in the morning if you have a generator. Knock on the door and ask how things are.
Do you have articles of unstained, gently-used clothing that are washable and easy to take on and off? If you aren’t wearing the clothes anymore and they fit the patient, drop them over, ironed and folded. It will help when the laundry piles up.
Is the caregiver’s car marooned in the driveway by a mechanical problem you can fix? Go by with your tools and get the car up and running. A friend did this for me in a bone-chilling January gale after my brother’s death. I will always think with gratitude about his frosty breath and very cold hands.
Do you worship or meet at the same place? Use our cell phone to video greetings from the members. The caregiver will feel less isolated.
Do you have a book or DVD you particularly enjoyed? Bring it over with a loaf of bread from the bakery or a box of microwave popcorn.
Did you and the patient ever share a vacation or past stage of life, like college, and do you have photographs? Place them in an album and send it with a card addressed to both the patient and caregiver.
Are you computer savvy? Help the caregiver design a website she can use to keep her extended network of friends and family updated. A nonprofit organization, CaringBridge (www.CaringBridge.org), can help get such a website started for free.
Can you organize friends to help? Look into starting a “Lotsa Helping Hands” community (www.lotsahelpinghands.com). Use the online tools to coordinate assistance from a group of friends.